I’m a little late this week with my attempted witticisms and high-horse ramblings. I like to shoot for a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning release, but due to unforeseen events like my job, girlfriend, dishes, laundry, cheesy nachos, comic books, fantasy football, and just being plain lazy, I also ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare; my tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town, someone stole my car, and there was an earthquake. A terrible flood! Locusts!

And that is why I was unable to get my column in under the buzzer. But rest assured, if I would have got it on time, I would’ve gone for two.

Chiefs 10, Patriots 17

Lost in all the hoopla over Tom Brady, is the fact that Herm Edwards is now the Kansas City Chiefs’ sole record holder of consecutive losses with 10 in a row. TEN LOSSES IN A ROW.

We got rid of our inexperienced offensive coordinator, we got rid of all those crusty, aged, over-the-hill veterans and replaced the team with…

YOUTH! (Yeah!)
DRAFT PICKS! (Yeah!)
A NEW Offensive Coordinator! (Yeah!)
WITH A PROMISE BY HERM TO THROW THE BALL! (uhh…)

It’s amazing, with all those changes and we still had a game that was a carbon copy of any of last year’s losses. Jokingly, I even predicted a final score of 13-10 with New England winning. Well, I was four points off an exact score prediction, so what do I know?

With all those changes, it’s almost statistically impossible to repeat last year’s futility. Let’s examine what could be the reason for this anomaly.

Chan Gailey was a successful play caller before coming here, correct? He was promoted to head coach, so he must’ve done something competent once, right? Hmmm…

Isn’t it kind of funny that we’ve had three different opening day starting quarterbacks, we’ve had two different offensive coordinators, yet somehow we still have the exact same offensive production. Hrmm….

Sunday’s loss looked just like any other loss from last year, no touchdowns until the 4th quarter, 10 points total overall, no downfield throws until the end of the game, mostly dump-offs to the running back, no taking chances on 4th & 1, and no real sense of purpose on offense. Hermm…..

I just can’t seem to put my finger on what the problem is!

Going for Two

Herm Edwards hinted after the game he might have ordered the Chiefs to try for a two-point conversion had they scored a touchdown in the final moments of the New England game.

From the KC Star 9/9/08:

On Monday he said he’d already made up his mind that they would have.

“Absolutely,” he said. “We wanted to win the game. I just felt that at that point, you’ve got to go for two. There was no question in my mind. I already knew the play we were going to run and it had a chance to go.”

Edwards, of course, wouldn’t disclose what the play was.

“We’re going to save it for another day,” he said.

JD: The only time Herm ever makes a definitive stand on any topic is when it’s something like this, when it’s in the future, and can’t be contested. You’ll see more examples below. It’s too bad Herm couldn’t have used this great two yard play on 4th & 1 instead of getting Dustin Colquitt started on setting the record for punts in a season.

Arguing about Herm

There were some spirited debates in the comment section of last week’s column. Some took offense to my label of “Herm the Liar.” It’s not slander if it’s true. I provided three examples off the top of my head and the Hermites were quick to provide excuses and “what he really meant”.

Herm is what he is, and he will say silly, untrue things whether I hi-light them or not. I documented his buffoonery for 20 something columns last year and I’m not going to go back and reprint them, but feel free to look them up yourself.

If you don’t believe me, I really don’t care.

Or you could just listen to Herm. He is the gift that keeps on giving. This isn’t a case of me taking one quote out of context and dwelling on it. He says mistakes, misquotes, half-truths, lies, and sheer idiocy in just about every press conference.

People that are honest don’t need their supporters continually coming about to explain what they really meant. Don’t you get tired of having to defend him?

Bottom line, if he were winning, he would be that crazy uncle we wish would JUST SHUT UP. But he just set a record for consecutive Chiefs losses in a season. That’s more losses than Frank Ganz, more than John Mackovic, and more than Paul Wiggin had. People like to bring up his “success” and playoff wins with the Jets, but how long ago was that? The Chiefs 10 straight losses are ongoing, RIGHT NOW.

The Jared Allen DE/Long Snapper joke, I mean debate, will be addressed next week.

Hermisms

Normally I try to have short, snappy, sometimes witty retorts to the silly things Herm says, but we seem to have an influx of new Hermite readers. So, for this chapter, I will probably over-explain myself, but we should be back to normal by next week.

Patriots Game

EDWARDS: “Well, you watched the game. We had some opportunities, I thought, it the first half to capitalize on field position and points but we didn’t quite get it done offensively. [We had] too many three-and-outs.”

JD: Gee, just like last year.

EDWARDS: “I thought at the end, defensively after the turnover, we held them to three and that was important to try to get the ball back and go down and score seven to try to keep it to a tie game or decide whether we are going for two points to try to win it. But, that never occurred. It’s like anything else. There are always a couple plays in football games that you don’t make and the outcome is like it was today – a loss for us.”

JD: When your strategy is to “hang around till the 4th quarter”, of course one or two plays will make a difference. But if you go for the jugular, and throw for the endzone, or hell, just downfield in the first, second, or even third quarter, one or two plays won’t make a difference. For 16 weeks in a row, Len Dawson lamented the Chiefs for not even attempting downfield throws, “just to keep the defense honest”. But what the blue hell does Len Dawson know? He only called his own plays and won a Super Bowl.

EDWARDS: “We have to go back and regroup.”

JD: Regroup? IT’S WEEK ONE.

EDWARDS: “We have a home game this week. We have to figure out a way to win a game.”

JD: Gee, just like last year. Again. For someone who was so “successful” with the Jets, he’s sure having to try to figure out how to win a lot.

Q: I know you never want to lose your starting quarterback, but is this a better team with Damon Huard?

EDWARDS: “I don’t know that. We lost the game with Damon playing half the game.”

JD: Well you’re the head coach, if you don’t know, then who the hell does? Let me help you, Brodie Croyle is 0-8 as a starter, and Damon is 9-8. Yep, you’re right, I don’t know if the team is better either.

EDWARDS: “We have to score more points. I know that. We have to have the ability to score points and get some drives going. We had too many three-and-outs early in the game.”

JD: Are you sure? You’ve had three quarterbacks, two offensive coordinators, and completely overhauled the roster, yet you still score 10 points a game. No wonder why you thought 21 points was a lot. For you, IT IS.

Q: What did you discuss when you took a timeout when they were pinned on the 1-yard line and they completed the big pass to Randy Moss?

JD Q: What’s a four letter word describing moving air starting with a W?

EDWARDS: “Well, we were going to try to make them punt into the wind because the wind was in their face. So we called a timeout knowing that if they ran the ball we would call another time out and try to make them punt into the wind. We’d get good field position that way. I guess the game was 3-0 or whatever it was at that point. We just felt we wanted them to punt in the wind because he would have been in the end zone punting against the wind and that was to our favor.”

JD: Wait, which way were they punting? Oh that’s right, into the wind. I didn’t catch it the first four times you said it.

EDWARDS: “So, that was our thinking there. It didn’t work out because they got the big pass.”

JD: If you told your coaches as many times what way you wanted them to punt as you told us, maybe New England read your lips and figured that out and thought, since we have to punt into the wind anyway, let’s go for it. Maybe not calling the time out and letting them feel secure about punting with the wind probably would’ve led them to run on 3rd down. But what the hell do I know about “Clock Management”.

Q: How do you think the rookies played overall?

EDWARDS: I thought, for the most part, I can’t tell because I can’t watch all of them. But, I thought they went in there and they were very competitive. They probably made some mistakes, but we had some veterans make some mistakes, too.

JD: Herm The Politician rears his ugly head, again. Why is it so hard for him to give a straight answer? Judas Priest! You’re the F’N head coach! Then just comment on the ones you did see. Holy crap! What in the blue hell do the vets have to do with it? The question was about the rookies. Herm always has to throw in a “well, they did it too” line. What a douche.

Q: Watching from the sideline, did you think that [Devard] Darling was going to outrun the defense and score on that play?

EDWARDS: “I thought, but I guess the guy caught him. I guess the guy had an angle or something.”

JD: You guess? Why is so hard for you to give a straight answer?

EDWARDS: “The guy made a great play and it ended up being a great play because we couldn’t score.”

JD: Wait a minute, he made a great play and it ended up being a great play? That just doesn’t make any sense. What if he made a great play, but you scored, does that take back his great play? It either is a great play or it’s not. My head hurts.

Q: It looked like Larry Johnson was only in on one play during that final drive.

EDWARDS: “We were in a two-minute offense. There are different personnel groups. I thought LJ ran pretty good too today, the first time out. He ran hard against a good team that can play against the run.”

JD: If he ran “hard” and “pretty good”, wouldn’t it make sense to have him in your two-minute offense?

On the decision to start Huard at quarterback over Thigpen this week vs Oakland:

EDWARDS: “For this week’s game, I just think it’s not fair to (Tyler Thigpen). I just think Damon, he got us some momentum going, and hopefully we can build on that. It’s just not fair to the kid, opening up at home, you know, it’s just not fair. He’ll get a chance, though.”

JD: This is where “Herm the Liar” really came to prominence. Herm tends to repeat words or phrases three times in consecutive sentences, like “fair” in this case, and it’s hard to tell who he’s trying to convince, us or him. Either way, it seems like he’s trying to convince someone. This is my opinion I formed after my observations of his little tap dance I like to call “The Hermy Shuffle.” He does this almost every press conference. If you come to a different conclusion, then good for you.

On the long-term effects of the Chiefs’ quarterback issues:

EDWARDS: “You want to make sure the players feel like the guy that’s playing quarterback gives them the best chance to win. You know the psyche of the football team; you know where they’re at. When you make decisions like that, you’ve got to make sure that it’s the right guy and that your team can rally around him. With a young quarterback, you’ve got to put him in the best position to win, and that can’t mean dropping back and throwing it 40 times a game. So that’s a struggle.”

JD: In My February article, I documented Herm talking about the new offensive coordinator, and he said this:

EDWARDS: “I want the ability to play fast-break offense. Some weeks, that’s going to be the best way for us to win. You have to be able to take advantage of people’s weaknesses. If you’re playing a team that isn’t very good when they get into their nickel defense, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO THROW THE BALL 40 TIMES IF THAT’S THE BEST WAY FOR US TO WIN THE GAME. But you have to have an offense that has the ability to do that.”

JD: The follow-up argument becomes “What’s the best way for us to win?” In this case, MY INTERPRETATION of what he said just reads desperation. You have to throw 40 times, you can’t throw 40 times. He doesn’t know what the best way to win is, and just throws out enough paint to hopefully cover the whole canvas, and his ass, so that way he can’t be blamed when whatever “plan” he has this week doesn’t work.

Q: It seems over the past few years, the team hasn’t approached the rivalry (Raiders) as intensely as Marty Schottenheimer did in years past. Why is that?

EDWARDS: “This is what we lose sight of. First of all, your players change. There’s about a 20-man swing every year on your roster. And if you keep doing that for 3-4 years, guess what, you get guys who were not in your division playing those guys. The coaches make a big deal out of it, but I think you have to realize the players change. I think the players we have now know that because they’re young and they’re going to be here for a long time. They have a great opportunity to learn the history. As well as this division and the rivalry in the division. That’s being built right now.”

JD: Slick Hermy dances again. This is just like last years’ “the players were prepared, they just got to make plays” scapegoating Herm did last year. Herm makes a big deal about the Raiders, but the players change, and we’re too stupid to realize that. Herm thinks he’s pawning this off on “changing players”, but he really is undercutting himself. If he makes a big deal out of it, but nothing happens, it sounds more to me like they are tuning him out. And when the players tune you out, you’re finished.