Today bandleader Tony Gonzalez leaped from the sinking SS Chiefs somewhere off the coast of Arrowhead Drive in what he described as an effort to “save [his] career and sanity”. He was then pulled back to the ship using an emergency company line, reportedly against his will.
Despite the general “sinking” feeling within the ship and the fact that all lower levels have been taking on water for the last three years, ship captain Herm Edwards has repeatedly stated that nothing is wrong and things are heading in the right direction.
“So everybody is getting a little wet. Big deal, get over it. It’s called life,” quipped a scolding Edwards during a recent press conference.
When asked about various conflicting statements he’s made on the matter, Edwards defensively responded, “I’m an honest guy. I’m just telling you the way it is. It’s just a little condensation, nothing to be worried about.”
But Gonzalez seems to disagree.
“My first clue that something was terribly wrong is when I heard the piano playing out of tune. I went down to the ballroom and saw Herm chastising the band and demanding they keep playing despite the piano and half the stage being on fire,” reported Gonzalez.
“I saw Carl [Admiral Carl Peterson] frantically trying to put out the fires with an extinguisher, so I ran a post pattern over to help. But when I got there, Herm told me that this was normal and expected and the way it’s supposed to be when rebuilding the band and I should just let the kids play.”
“At the time I didn’t feel like it was my place to question the captain, but come on, playing electric instruments in two feet of standing water? That can’t be right.”
Edwards claims the recent fires were just part of the natural process.
“Sure a few of them were from the rookies knocking over the lighting equipment, but just like the forest, sometimes it’s good to let everything burn to the ground into a smoldering heap of ash and carnage so that things can truly start over,” claims Edwards.
“This is how it’s supposed to look. We’re trying to repair the damage done by [former captain] Dick Vermeil. He filled the band full of old fogies like Jared Allen and Kawika Mitchell. I mean, they’re old enough to drink alcohol and that’s just crazy. To me, 21 is the magic number. Beyond that and you’re talking arena rock.”
“What we need is some true young talent. Take [lead singer] Brodie over there. Sure, there’s going to be some highs and lows, but that’s what comes with a 12 year old singer who’s going through puberty. You just have to be patient.”
But apparently Tony’s patience ran out and he could hold his tongue no longer after Herm took him out of the battle of the bands competition two weeks ago against Denver, right before setting the world record for longest banjo solo.
“I mean, there I was, three seconds away from the world record and Herm unplugs me and closes the curtain,” says an increasingly angry Gonzalez. “We had the competition sewn up. I mean, as long as I didn’t set the stage on fire and start throwing feces at the crowd, we would have won no matter what. But then again, setting everything on fire and taking a dump on the fan base seems to be what Herm wants, so I’m confused. I just don’t see why he wouldn’t let me have the record.”
Gonzalez then went backstage where he found Captain Edwards.
“That’s when I saw Herm’s feet dangling upside down in the big barrel labeled ‘The Plan’. Herm always says we’re not allowed to look in this weird barrel of his, but I was angry, so I went over there anyway. I always figured he hid his fig newtons in there or something. But when I peaked in, I saw that not only was there nothing in there, but Herm had managed to break through the bottom of the barrel and was digging through the floorboards. I don’t know what the heck he is digging for down there, but I think that might be where a lot of these leaks are coming from.”
“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” concluded Gonzalez. “I wasn’t about to let this nut-job force me into early retirement. So I called my agent and jumped ship. Unfortunately, they pulled me back and said I legally couldn’t leave. I don’t know, maybe I should just retire.”
Officials then asked if he knew where the SS Chiefs was currently heading so help could be sent.
“Who knows. I don’t think Herm even knows where they’re going,” a despondent Gonzalez replied. “Besides, I don’t think Herm would take your help if you tried. I think he’s determined to take as many people down with him as he can, including any of the fans who show up.”
When reached for comment via telegraph, Edwards responded, “–. . – / — …- . .-. / .. -”, which of course is Morse code for “Get over it.”