The title quote is a paraphrase of comedian Ron White, one of the few men that drink more Scotch than I do. I’m going to need some Scotch after that ice water enema I just witnessed. Good thing there’s still some ice water left over.

Maybe it stemmed from Herm telling his coaches to start looking for new jobs. Maybe it stemmed from the second half meltdown against Miami last Sunday. Maybe it stemmed from the incessant derision courtesy of the national sports media. There’s even an outside chance that it stemmed from the termination (whoops…. I mean resignation) of Carl Peterson. Whatever the cause, I can tell you this: when the Kansas City Chiefs took the field today, there was a lot of quit in those boys.

In my 20 years of fandom I don’t recall seeing a lesser effort by a Kansas City team (Royals notwithstanding). Whereas in previous losses I had at times seen a team that should have been competitive fail to be competitive, this time I saw a team that should have been competitive elect not to be competitive. This was a democratic and nearly unanimous decision to play poorly. In last year’s season finale against the Jets, many of the following season’s bubble players stepped up and showed effort, albeit sometimes ineffectively. Today, next year’s bubble players made no effort to distinguish themselves. Youngbloods, gristled veterans, and should-be franchise players alike did just enough to not get hurt, and in the process embarrassed themselves.

I have been outspokenly critical of fairweather fans who have turned off their television at halftime or left a game early. Today I wanted to do just that. I didn’t because I can’t bear to miss a moment of Chiefs football, but never before have I been that tempted. Barring public apology, many of the players on this team deserve no respect right now. In a month I’ll feel differently, but at the present I’m half an hour removed from one of the biggest abominations of sportsmanship I have ever witnessed. James Vander Beek was a better leader of men than nearly anybody in the red and gold today.

Having said all that, let me name the players who I believe still showed heart in the face of adversity: Tyler Thigpen, Dwayne Bowe, Glenn Dorsey, and Jason Babin. Of them, only one (Bowe) had a particularly exceptional game, which, of course, is why we lost.

Nobody else is safe from my ire, from the coaches on down. As far as I’m concerned we can scrap 52 players along with the entire front office. Again, I know in a month I’ll feel differently, but right now I, along with probably the overwhelming majority of the Chiefs Nation, am as thoroughly disgusted and royally pissed off as I can possibly be. This team, unlike last year’s, was assembled to win games, yet they did not. This is only the second two-win season for the Chiefs, and the other (1977) was in the bygone fourteen-game era. That means that, by winning percentage, this is the worst Chiefs team ever. A team that should have went 8-8, and by proxy won the division, was frequently coached out of winning. Only 121 points were scored in the second half of games, and only twice (in the Buffalo loss and the Denver win) did they score more than ten second half points. In the other fourteen games Kansas City averaged less than six points in the final thirty minutes.

Championships are not built like this.

On the top shelf of my bar I keep a bottle of Macallan 18-Year Scotch. A bottle of the 18 costs about $185. Thusly it only comes down on really good days or really bad days. I’ll be drinking Macallan tonight. I know many of you will be encouraged to engage in similar behavior. So to all my readers, raise your glasses and toast to a better 2009 a few days early. I’ll still be here through the playoffs and the offseason, so stay tuned. I thank you all, and I especially thank the webmasters of both Warpath and Home of the Chiefs for providing me a venue and an audience. And, as always, allow me to state my mantra: Fire Mike Priefer. Seacrest out.