Robert Smigel did a cartoon for Saturday Night Live years ago where a guy walks into a bank, writes “this is a hold-up” on the back of a withdrawal slip, puts it back in the stack of slips, then leaves. The next guy comes in, picks up the withdrawal slip, fills it out, and hands it to a teller, unaware of those four words written on the back. Hilarity ensues.

God bless Adam Schefter. His declaration that the Chiefs were switching to the 3-4 was akin to writing “this is a hold-up” on the back of a withdrawal slip, and the entirety of the Kansas City fan base is an unwitting bank teller. If Schefter is proven right, this will be twice in a week’s time that he broke a major story about the Chiefs well before anybody else caught wind of it (he was the one who reported the hiring of Gary Gibbs, who is replacing either Gunther Cunningham, defensive coordinator, or Gunther Cunningham, linebackers coach). Adding credence and allure to Schefter’s new claim is his propensity toward avoiding any speculation whatsoever. He merely stated that the Chiefs were switching, then asked “what about Glenn Dorsey?”

Hilarity ensued. Message boards lit up like Christmas trees, as did talk radio phone lines. We wasted this pick. Trade Dorsey. Could we get Julius Peppers for Dorsey? How about Chris Long? Can he put on weight? How about if we just stuff a couple of ham hocks in his jersey?

The rap on Dorsey is that at 297 pounds he’s too light to play nose tackle. That’s probably true. The current benchmarks for excellence at the position are Pittsburgh’s Casey Hampton and New England’s Vince Wilfork, both of whom weigh in at 325. Dorsey could probably go on the Ryan Leaf Donut Diet and put on the extra weight, but I don’t think that would behoove him or the team. He struggled this past season because he was asked to play directly over center, even though his natural position is undertackle. If he’s too diminutive to play nose tackle in a 4-3, asking him to do so in a 3-4 is asking for trouble. He’d be better suited as a defensive end, but he’s too short. According to the message boards, anything shorter than 6’5″ just won’t cut it.

I guess the message boards better go tell Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis to give back all those sacks. While they’re at it, they should probably tell Mathis he’s too small. At 245 pounds he’ll be far too injury prone to last more than two seasons, tops.

Ted Ginn ran the fastest 40-yard dash in the 2007 Combine. That didn’t make him the best receiver–just the fastest. Tank Tyler bench pressed more than any other defensive lineman. That didn’t make him the best tackler–just the strongest. Measurables don’t make the man. Football isn’t a track meet. Glenn Dorsey will probably never be successful as a 3-4 nose tackle, but that has precious little to do with his weight. His style of play just isn’t suited to the position. A 3-4 defensive end, however, is usually an undertackle. Dorsey is an undertackle. If he applies himself to learning the new spot, being three inches too short won’t slow him down one bit.

In the meantime, Adam, if you’re reading this, I’ve got a new story for you to break. In 2009 the Chiefs plan to switch to an offense that doesn’t hit women. What about Larry Johnson?