Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I’m telling you because those two hot dogs slathered in chow-chow were the highlight of my afternoon. I had a couple of cheeses on entertainment crackers, but I didn’t want to open a bottle of wine just to go with a snack. I was already committed to beer anyway, so opening another bottle of alcohol just seemed wasteful.

Not that I didn’t have plenty of reason to drink in excess.

Today’s article is entitled “What The Hell Was That?” I called it that because, well, I’d like to know what the hell that was that I just witnessed. It sure didn’t look like the 3-0 team that put the hurt on the Chargers in week one. It didn’t even look like the 4-2 team that needed five full quarters to eke out a victory against a then winless Buffalo. No, the team that took the field today looked like garbage.

I’d like to start out with a little full disclosure: given the team’s history in Denver, I didn’t really expect the Chiefs to win today. The Broncos, even in a down year, is not a team without talent, and though Josh McDaniels seems content to let go of all of their best players, they’ve built well enough through the years that they’re still dangerous even when they suck.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get started.

Romeo Crennel, what the hell was that? Did you review some Greg Robinson-era game reels and decide to give his strategy a try? How does a defense so stalwart against the run allow a thus far mediocre running back to have his first 100-yard game? As if that wasn’t bad enough, I should also point out that the quarterback that lost his job to Rex Grossman had a career high four touchdown game. I won’t fault the defense for allowing Tim Tebow to score twice – some team was bound eventually to fall victim to his thick polygons, smooth flat planes, and inescapable corn-fed handsomeness. Allowing Knowshon Moreno and Kyle Orton to run roughshod, however, isn’t acceptable. The defense looked untalented, unprepared, and at times just plain lazy. The easy route is to blame Donald Washington and whoever else ended up playing in place of Kendrick Lewis and Jon McGraw. Some of that blame would be well placed. But this was a team effort. Eric Berry, Derrick Johnson, Brandon Flowers, and Tamba Hali, this one is on you.

Speaking of which, Tamba Hali, what the hell was that? In the past you’ve dominated Ryan Clady. I guess today was his day to return the favor. Clady is obviously an immensely talented player, but your responsibility is to play in the backfield. Today you didn’t. A little help from your compadres wouldn’t have hurt, but when it comes to the pass rush, you’re the ringleader. Based on your larger body of work this season, I’m definitely not going to call for you to be Priefered, but when you see Clady again in three weeks, please go at him a little harder.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move to Hali’s number one compadre: Derrick Johnson, what the hell was that? The concern with your improvement thus far this season has been that you’re playing like a guy in his contract year. You got your contract early. Does that entitle you to start playing like a guy who already got paid? Come on, lie to us a little bit. Give us at least one full season before you start with that. After all, you’ve got five more seasons to revert back to the guy whose character and motivation is always in question, and whom is in constant danger of being benched for Demorrio Williams. Don’t leave interceptions on the field. Don’t leave interceptions on the field. Don’t leave interceptions on the field.

On the subject of leaving the ball on the field, Matt Cassel, what the hell was that? Why did you wait until the team was playing with a substantial deficit to do your Damon Huard impression? You could have gotten it out of the way against Jacksonville and it wouldn’t have mattered. Today it mattered a great deal. If instead of fumbling, you lead your unit to the endzone, the score would have been 35-24. That’s still a lot of ground to cover, but I have to believe that the team as a whole would have played with a little more spark if they were down by nine instead of 15. I’ve been pulling my punches for the past couple of weeks, but the kid gloves are back off. Had Barry Richardson still been in the game, I would have been calling for Brodie Croyle.

Now that we’ve gotten around to the offensive line, Ryan O’Callaghan, what the hell was that? Wait. Never mind. We know what that was. Barry Richardson, get well soon.

Finally, on the subject of spark, Dwayne Bowe, what the hell was that? Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not disappointed at all with your effort today, but – ummm – could you just go ahead and play like that every week? Obviously it’s unrealistic to expect any receiver to catch 13 balls a game, but – dude – that was nearly a third of your yards for the season. If you just played more inspired football like you did today, I’ll bet Kansas City would win a few more games.

This is one of those days where I’m glad I didn’t have the VCR running. This showing doesn’t need to be kept for posterity. I have the 2003 loss to the Vikings for that (thanks for the memories, Kawika Mitchell). It’s too late for another hot dog, and I’m nearly out of chow-chow anyway, but it’s definitely not too late for another Boulevard Single Wide. At least one thing out of Kansas City won’t stink.